111017

It's another secret of mine.

It's a secret that I can't tell until the day I'm away from this place.

I'm scared; I'm regretting; I'm guilty.

And I don't wish to be punished.

How greedy am I?

The only one that I can tell to, is always God.

He can always listen to my secret and give me advises.

I appreciate that He will be with me, every time.

I wish I could calm down but I can't.

Probably I'm still being punished by God about what I've done.

It's a lie that can never tell.

I apologize.

I want to be forgiven.

I want to be safe.

I want to get this over.

Could I?

I don't know.

Even I got the guarantee from the person I should have.

But I really have no idea.

I miss a friend a lot at that moment but this friend is not the one can help me.

I just need some voices.

And this friend is the only one who jumped into my mind, second after God.

At last, I still speak to God only.

He will always listen to me after all.

I pray.

But I feel the scariness, still.

I guess I made a big sin.

Please forgive me.

111013: The Last Year

It's the last year to play around with the girls.

I miss Siew & Nyiam, it would be more fun if they were here, I'm sure!

I really can't tell how much fun I had in these 3 weeks.

I don't have to bother about the Charter's, and we had combo birthday celebration with a random suggestion and perhaps some random group activities.

I'm glad that my friends from Tawau can get along with the girls which I'd really love to see that but sometimes they just don't work it out.

I had a lot of fun for these 3 weeks.

I have no idea how much did I spend but I know it worth for me, it's never about the money, it's about the memory which is priceless for me.

I love the girls, as usual.

I wish them all the best in the future, I wish them to have a good career and I wish we will have the friendship, like forever? Hehe.

I still have another to go.

I had overcome the problem of staying here for another year.

But I have another problem now.

Am I really the one to be a President of Charter?

I doubt that.

I don't have connection with the lecturers; I'm not good enough in problem solving; I'm easy to compromise, especially when they are my close friends?

My concerns for my future career will be another problem as well.

What if they look only result?

Everyone does better than me, even I'm top 1 in secondary school but that never helps.

The most important thing is NOW!

I'm lost sometimes.

But I want to keep the faith.

Faith that I could do it all well, faith that even with a bad result, I would do it better than those who had a good result.

Working hard is always the problem.

Bless me, God.

The year of 2011, I have some changes on me.

Whether you and I like it or not, I have changed, you have changed and everyone changed into a better one or worst one, you judge it yourself.

1110509

It's another boring night.

I am not rushing for anything and yet I am staying up till late night.

I used to be, but I think I am having insomnia.

I don't like this.

From 1st April - 9th May, quite a short period.

But I feel like I learned a lot.

Not only about planning an event, but also figuring out my future, my ambition.

I will be an accountant if everything goes smoothly.

And I know I won't be doing this long.

Do you think I can do something like selling idea?? XD

Sounds ridiculous, I guess.

I am not a genius, so I don't think it works on me.

So, it is ridiculous for me.

I have started to think for my future, always actually.

Honestly, I can't imagine my future, and to be honest, I always think that I will not be in this world for a long period.

Of course, this is just my thought.

We don't know how's the life goes on.

Anyhow, I got a plan to achieve somethings that I might not able to do with.

Who knows.

I quoted "Never try never know".

Bless me~ XD

110430

Honestly, I'm enjoying listening to story but not acting as problem solver.

I think I told most of my friends that do not tell me your love problem and seek for my help.

But I guess even I am annoyed, I am still willing to give my advises to them.

And yea, I was like becoming a consultant for love problem.

O-M-G. This is not what I want.

Listening to the story is interesting for the first time, but not the second and third time.

And I had listened for the whole night.

Wow? Yea, it's a little girl seeking for listener and I am always a good listener.

And yet she asked for mine.

Sharp questions, and I answered directly without lying.

There is no point to lie.

But there is a secret that I never tell.

Not now, nor future. XD

I am happy to keep it as my little secret.

It feels good. XD

It feels bad sometimes, but it doesn't really feel anything after years.

I have no idea what am I talking now actually.

I just want to run away from my study.

Which I don't think I can escape from, sadly.

oh yea, I had my hair cut. =D

110423

It's kinda disappointed that your friends giving out their thought which did not support you and yet they did not offer any idea that might help.

They were just giving out an opinion, like teasing you.

Been busy for few weeks.

Thanks God that midterms are gone, though I don't know the result yet.

But I know I screwed it up.

It's okay, the second chance is always there.

I'm gonna fight for final!

Thanks Irene that cheered me up. XD

It's kinda satisfied when you are busy for the things you like.

I work with a team of friends that.. can I say fighting with me?

Haha. I like this kind of feeling, even we might fail.

I tried so hard, thought it sounds like daydreaming.

But I have nothing if I don't even try for it.

So, I pray, again.

To have the faith in doing this.

Somehow, I saw something through this.

It's just like you found the one who really can work with you.

You have no idea how touching am I when a group of friends are willing to achieve the dream.

It might be all of us are dreaming.

Yea~ It could be, why not?

But, you tell me, who can be successful without dreaming?

At least, I'm not dreaming and ignoring the reality.

I did include all of the problems and the ways to solve.

I did consider anything that I can think of.

This is why I need you guys to remind me that it might be some part that I missed out.

I do not need your discouraging words.

All I need is your idea that could make it perfect.

All I need is your help that could make it easier.

All I need is just your mentally support even you can't help.

And seriously, thanks to the team that work with me for days and nights.

Even we might fail, but we know we tried.

But I'm not gonna stop trying and I will come back with a success.

Pray for me? XD

And lastly, I'm still thanking God, for everything. =)

110409

I was disappointing on someone today (I mean yesterday), honestly.

I was mad, I can tell.

But I tried to calm myself down, kinda hard but I did.

The night, I expressed my disappointment to my close friends.

I felt better, of course.

And we discussed about main point that lead to this.

I am doing an event.

It's not the time yet to public it but most of my friends knew about it and they are involved in this.

I'm glad and appreciate that they are helping me and supporting me.

Even the event might fail after all, but still, I feel like at least I did this, for once in my life.

At the very first stage, when I was saying that I got this idea, my friends were surprised and yea.. impossible. But non of them refuse to help me in the beginning works.

They are with me from every progress but not the end.

Even though they are busy right now, I understand.

I didn't force them to contribute in this but they are willing to help me.

I don't know how far can the project goes, but I hope it will till the last stage.

A friend of mine from Weibo, China site supports me too.

He/She doesn't even know me.

He/She supports me mentally and encourages me not to give up.

I thought of giving up, why not?

This is not an easy job and it involves a lot but I still wish to do it.

If till the end, I got rejected, I might stop.

But I think I will propose my idea to various companies. LOL

I just want to say, even you can't help me in the very first place but at least tell me that you can contribute some ideas or at least point out my problems.

It was not like killing you and it doesn't take a long time though.

I can't make a perfect things by my own, I need suggestions.

And you end up to be only a part time staff.

You skip all of the progress and offering yourself at the end of the project?

By the way, a big thank to my friend, Roland.

He pointed out some questions that I didn't think of.

Again, it is because of my overconfident.

I should think about the backup plan too. =)

110328

It's not a sleepless night but I feel like not to sleep at all.

8am meeting, 11am class, 12pm town, 4pm class.

This is my schedule for today. (28th March).

Nothing much to say but just want to leave something here.

Brain is in a mess.

Suddenly everything disappointed myself.

Feel like useless, can't even accomplish somethings that is easy to score.

Not blaming, just doubting on myself.

What makes me that useless.

Lack of practice? Not really.

I guess I am over confident.

Another weakness I have.

Poor me.

How do I change it?

I try not to over confidence, but still, every time, I am.

I need some strength from God, I guess.

Every time I pray, I feel Him, actually.

No matter how you deny, He exists, with his own way.

Perhaps I am still not a holy Christian, but I did not deny His existence.

Yea, I need to pray to get the strength from Him to get over my own difficult.

110317

I dreamed of HoMin last night.

It was the very first time.

I think I am a secondary school student because I was in a school hall.

That night, there is not only HoMin's performing but also a lot of other artist.

I don't know what event is it.

When other groups are performing, I saw HoMin was sitting outside on the stairs, with their white suits on.

I was like O-M-G, the white suits gone, probably.

Then I walked to them.

Greeted them by using my poor Korean language.

They managed to understand what was I talking about.

And then when I said this to Changmin: One of my friends likes you the most. (in Korean)

He was like: Huh? What is XXX?

Then I explained: Most (재일) Like (좋아).

Changmin was like: Ow~ Wow. Thanks!

Both of them smiled warmly and leave, but I cried like a crazy when I shake my hand with them and get a hug from them.

I went back to my seat and watch for their performance, all of my mind was thinking to contact my friend, telling her that I get a hug from HoMin.

I wanted to scream crazily, I guess.

After their performance, it was "Don't Know Who" performed.

And I see HoMin came in the hall secretly and sat in front of me.

Wow! Gosh~ I forgot that whether I wait the performance ended or I approach to them immediately.

Anyways, I asked them whether can I have your signature?

Then I brought them to a small room cause my diary was there.

PS: The diary was bought that time, it's the event side goods.

Yunho signed first and wrote some warm words.

But I can't recalled it anymore.

Changmin wrote: You will be our friend forever.

And I said, it was my friend's birthday coming soon, can you write some greeting words to her?

Yes, they did.

The manager asked them to leave but I feel like they don't want to leave.

I didn't mean that they want to stay with me, I just feel like they don't want to go back.

Yunho gave me a very big hug.

I feel like I can't breathe anymore.

When he was about to leave, I saw he teared.

Chanmin smiled with a bit of embarrass.

The dream was ended when I'm gonna take the diary to my friend.

The dream was too real until I can remember every little single detail.

110310

又过了一个月。

1.24am，我实在不知道自己要做什么。

应该睡了吧，却又觉得无所谓的时间。

或许，是该睡了的。

其实有很多事情想做，可是力不从心却是每每地跟随着我。

无法把简单的事做好，有时想想，还真失败。

太理想化或许也是个缺点。

其实是的，它是个缺点。

所以，我有这样的缺点。

算是提醒自己了吧。

睡了~晚安！

110206

我突然想起07年的某一夜。

那次大概是我喝酒喝得最開心的一次。

幾乎是放肆地喝啊！

喝了，我還敢駕車，還不是我的車，還忘了開車燈。

此刻回想，實在危險，呵呵……

其實，還挺想念的……

想念那些朋友，那樣的氛圍，還有那樣的心情。

我把照片都好好的保存了，07年的回憶。

我不知道爲什麽突然想起。

可能，覺得我是很多人生命中的路人，可是這些朋友會不會也是我生命中的路人。

留在我心裏的人，還真多呢~

也真慶幸有這些相交近十年的朋友，我們也二十一嵗了，不再是青少年了。

算算日子，我們踏入大學已經是第四個年頭了。

過去的三年，怎麽時間流逝得這麽快？

三年，我也交了一幫死黨。

我只希望，無論是這三年黨，還是十年黨，我們都還會是死黨！=D